Reason For Being

In the past, whenever I asked myself the question on why I wish to be alive I would always tell myself "To experience all the art I could." This externalized my desire for life to an object that wasn't tied another person or tied to my own success or circumstances or image of myself - things I saw as the objects others would begin to feel suicidal over.




When I chose this as my reason to live I always told people it was because of the power of art. How human beings can produce a series of words, a confluence of sounds, a collection of brushstrokes on canvas, an interactive medium; and experiencing these things can evoke extreme sensations within me. I can laugh until my face turns red and my breath seems impossible catch, I can become inspired and driven on a day I had already written off, I can mourn the death of a person who was never real yet feel the pain of grief, I can be compelled to eccentricity in a system that demands conformity. Its a beauty that cannot be ignored, a beauty that only humans are capable of. This ability to create and affect others through that creation. I loved that beauty.

But I've begun to deconstruct even that. Really dig to the roots of that belief. Why do I value that? And I've come to a reevaluation of my reason for being.




I want to experience what it means to be human. I want to feel the full spectrum of experience that this life has to offer. I want to let it in and accept the nature of things. I want to understand all it means to be a human being. I valued art because it gave me an external way to experience those emotions after a life of repression and hiding away my humanity, I called all those feelings that didn't further me in a practical and professional way as unnecessary and robbed myself of feeling the full extent of my LIVED experience. I want to get all I can from my perceptions, from my time on this earth, the people I meet, the bonds I share. I catch myself sometimes, I see that I am doing it again - clouding and shrouding my soul from being a person, being a human - I want to never know that feeling again. I want to bear my soul to the nature of being. To take in all I can be given in this small timeframe of infinity I lucked into the opportunity to experience